52 Week Challenge - Week 13

Goals  - Looking back and checking in

On one hand Week 6 seems such a long time ago and on the other hand it has gone by in a blink of an eye.  Things have changed, I have changed and life is not only good it is great.

I started the SYL journey to simplify my life, yes I know that is obvious.

I wanted to organise myself and to do things better. My goals were directed towards that outcome, but a funny thing happened along the way.  My goals changed – not a great deal but the reasons I am continuing the SYL journey have changed.

I've come to realise that I am not doing this challenge to look better to others, I am doing this because I want to be better and I want to be at ease with the decisions I make.  I am simplifying my life by being kinder to myself and letting go of the self-beliefs that have ruled my life and that have held me back or have led me down a complicated path of behavior I didn’t like.

To be frank with you I set goals to be somebody I wasn’t and I was setting myself up for failure and by working through the challenges I can now see things clearly and more importantly I am being honest with myself.

Being comfortable with my life is so important, I live quite a simple life and I used to think I should do more , I should be more but when the truth of the matter is I am ok with my current life.  My belief system (my self talk) was focused towards saying I had to do more to be more, I had go on holidays to places I really don’t want to go to, I had to buy things I really didn’t want, I had to wear make up I really don’t like – I  think you get the picture.  I enjoy doing certain things like staying home and watching DVDs and that should be enough, I like living a simple life and that should be enough, I enjoy being a home body and that should be enough, it doesn’t matter where my family are as long as we are together and that should be enough.  You know what - it is enough and I am finally beginning to understand that I don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations.  The only expectations I have to live up to are mine!

Please don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or doing any of the things I’ve mentioned – it’s a great life if that is what you want but I don’t want it. I enjoy many things, I get out and about and do things  but I have also come to the realisation I’ve been doing things because it looks good or because others do it and I don’t want to do that anymore.

48 years old and I finally come to the realisation that I can live my own life my way and I don't have to be a sheep and follow others. They say good things come to those who wait.
Bearing this new realisation in mind I've looked back at my week 6 goals with new eyes and although the reasons and the outcomes have changed my categories of goals are still the same.
Me –

Weight reduction -  this hasn’t gone as well as I wanted – the numbers aren’t moving down or for that matter up, but I am walking more, drinking less and eating better. Most of the time anyway, unfortunately there are far too many times that I stray from my plans. Now is the time to refocus and by reviewing my goals I will get better at this. It has got to be about me not about others, when I do this for me then it will happen.

Publishing my book – I haven’t been doing anything at all with my book. Actually I don’t really want to do anything with it yet. I had feedback from the competition I entered and well it wasn’t as good as I wanted but it did highlight a few things that I will work on.  At the moment I am doing too many other things that I enjoy. I will get back to it later when I have a few things sorted out.

Further education – I’ve been looking for courses and whilst I haven’t signed up yet I have a fair idea what I want to do. I am going on a few courses for work and shortly will be starting a 4 week leadership program.

Family –

Holiday together – still working on this, Merman and I are going on holiday soon (LOML can’t get the time off work).  We are still planning the family holiday and I am planning a surprise weekend for LOML and me.

Spending time together – this has been awesome we do so much together and we really enjoy each other’s company.  It is great and I truly do enjoy my fellas company.  Footy night is great fun. We share more things and actually communicate with each other instead of just talking at each other.

Merman is doing so well – really well.  He achieved some really good results in his recent exams, he has started a part time job and he is doing really well in all other areas of his life (he even remembers to empty the bin without being told).  Looks like he will even be asked to be the captain of the soccer team again this year. This week I received some really great feedback from his Head of House. Yes I am a very proud parent. More importantly he isn’t stressing out about things and is taking things in his stride.

Home –

Cleaning house – not as great as I wanted but well you know what I don’t really care – I only made this goal to look good. I really don’t care about housework. I do enough to get by and that is enough for me and luckily it is enough for my family too.

Yard – yep no need to mess about with this one, it’s the same as cleaning house.  Don’t care about it and am not going to loose any sleep over it. Actually LOML and I are talking about hiring somebody to do this and I am ok with that (I might even get a house cleaner too)!

Pergola – this is still a work in progress and I’m ok with that. It will happen it just won’t happen over night.

De clutter – this is also a work in progress and I’ve made some progress. I have curbed my shopping and I use the following saying when I go to buy something “need it badly or love it madly”. I’ve cleaned out a few things and sorted out some rooms.

Career –
Promotion - this has been going really well for me. I am working towards this goal and by small steps I have come to the notice of my bosses (in a good way). There may be some news in the new future.

What’s next
I like where I am at the moment and I am really pleased with my progress but I have a few more goals to add to the list.

I am not going to worry about what others think, I don’t do things because I worry what people will think of me, that my actions and words will seem too sooky and emotive or even silly. My goal is to speak my mind more and find my voice, I will stop overthinking everything.

 I am enough and I accept myself as I am.

I am going to embrace my simple life and know that this is what I want and it is what I do best. It is what my family wants and it is what they do best. We don't have to be something we aren't, over the years I have put a lot of pressure on my fellas to do things they don't want to and this will stop. In saying this just because they don't want to do the things I want to it won't stop me. I will not hold back from doing things I want to do anymore.

Another area I am going to work on is to let go of things and to understand that things change. A very dear relationship has ended and I grieve for it, I miss her so very much but I do understand why we drifted apart and more importantly I know it’s the best for the both of us. What I am going to do is not forsake other relationships because our relationship is changed.  I won’t hold back from talking to mutual friends or from doing things that we used to do just in case our paths cross. I will also stop blaming myself for changing and for wanting something more.

Goals have been reviewed and reassessed. It’s full steam ahead to achieving my revised goals. It’s been really good to review my goals and I will make sure I review and update them regularly.  

Thanks Deb ( http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/simplify-your-life-time-management-planning/#more-3482 ) another challenge that hits the spot, I know I say this each week but for me this week's challenge has been a real eye opener and has set me on a path that will ease my conflicted heart to help me be the best I can be and know that I am enough.

52 Week Challenge - Week 12

Change - the old, the new and where to now

Change to me is many things - scary, exciting, sad, joyous, frustrating and slow but more than anything doesn’t happen if I don’t understand it. Deb (http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/simplify-your-life-week-thirteen-check-in/) has taken me on a journey to help me understand change, in particular the why, how and what but now its up to me to work out the when. 

Yes this is the challenge for me – so many things I want to change but where do I start.  Just when I was feeling a little overwhelmed and that I wasn’t actually changing as much as I wanted Deb has set a challenge that reminded me how far I’ve actually come.

Changes that have occurred in my world during the past 11 weeks have been many – not sure if they all attributed to my changes (but I will take the credit).  Actually, maybe I should take the credit as  this isn’t so far from the truth –

·         I’ve set goals and worked towards them, this included talking more with LOML and Merman – open communication, better understanding, closeness and being together – actually this is one of the biggest changes. We are all getting on better, we are happier and things are going so very well for us.  Maybe its because my husband has a better job and he is happier, Merman is growing up and is being more responsible (he even found a part time job so the Bank of mum and dad isn’t suffering such large withdrawals) or maybe its because I am happier and am being kinder to myself, not expecting so much from myself and others.
·         I’ve taken time out for myself – I’m less stressed and able to deal better with the small things that pop up in my life and I don’t feel the weight of everything on my shoulders. I am sharing responsibilities and finding that by sharing I am empowering others and really how conceited to think everything is up to me – that I am the centre of everything. By empowering others in my life I can see clearly that team work whether at home or work is about everyone getting the chance to participate and not about the final outcome. I don’t have to do it all.  
·         I’ve started letting go of some of the emotional issues that have held me back – so many benefits out of this to list but I’ve let go of something after realising that it just wasn’t meant to be and although it still hurts I am feeling more in control of the situation. If it is meant to be it will be and if not I have some wonderful memories. One of my greatest fears was that by making changes I would loose – loose relationships, friendships, respect, control and excuses but all my fears for nothing. Yes I did loose a very special friendship but to be honest that friendship was on the way out for a while and whilst I am very sad about this what I have gained has definitely outweighed the loses. My life is simpler and I am happier.
·         I am surrounding myself with people and things that make me a better person and am getting rid of the detractors in my life – I am relying less on the crutches in my life and learning to cope without people and things that prop me up.
·         I am finding a voice and more importantly finding my voice is worth finding.
·         I am increasing my efforts to show my gratitude, to tell people how important they are and how much I value them.
·         I can see the flow on effect in so many areas of my life that are far too numerous to mention here but summing it up in a few words, it’s about confidence. Confidence with my loved ones, at work and in my everyday interactions. Confidence that I am enough. Confidence that I can do things or in some case not do things and the world won’t come crashing down around my ankles.

In a nutshell Change for me has meant confidence and I now am ready to complete one of my biggest challenges, reducing my weight and living a healthier life. For so many years I have been hiding behind a barrage of excuses and I now see them for what they are: weak, silly excuses.

For too many years I’ve pussy footed around the main issue but now I know what I have to do but more importantly how I am going to do it. I also know there is no easy fix, that it will take time and that small steps are the only way to go. I will do this. I will make it and I will find the courage and strength to make the changes I need to reach my goal.

One of my favourite sayings is Mahatma Gandhi’s

“Be the change you wish to see in the world”

For many years I have been using this quote but until now I didn’t really understand what it means. With the help of Deb and her amazing 12 weeks of challenges I am using the tools I’ve learnt to make the biggest and most important change in my life.  I am confident that I will do it for the first time in my life I actually believe I will do it and I’m not setting myself up for failure.  I know there will be struggles, I know that it will be tough but I also know I can look after myself and I can do it and I know that my loved ones will support me.

Changes have been made and my fellas have supported me and I know that I continue to have their support – they were there for me when I asked them to help me with our family values (even if they didn’t really want to at the start they did it for me and made great contributions – yes I was listening when they said I was too moody).

One step at a time I will achieve all my goals and I will have fun doing it.

 One small step is taking more steps – I will fit a 30 minute walk into my day whether it is in the morning, at lunch time or at night and I will use this time to reflect on areas in my life I am grateful for.

Change isn’t always easier but it is definitely worth it

52 Week Challenge - Week 11

Gratitude

Love it! I’ve said it before and I will say it again thank you so much Deb.  (http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/simplify-your-life-week-twelve-dealing-with-change/#more-3379).  Each week the challenges just keep getting better.  I love this challenge.

Being grateful is very important to me and one of life’s lessons that I hope I have passed on to Merman.  Each day I am grateful for the many wonderful people and things in my life, this has been more important to me as I grow older.  I think as we age (gracefully) we become aware of all the great things in our lives and how important it is to acknowledge them.

My father is in aged care and I ring him each day, he is 85 and has been diagnosed as being legally blind due to Macular Degeneration.  Each day he has something else to complain about, how bad his life is, how it isn’t fair, how people are out to get him and it is so frustrating. I wish he could see how lucky he is, at times I try to point things out to him but he doesn’t see it that way.  It is hard but I will continue to point out the positives and what he should be grateful for.  This morning he was complaining about one of the workers saying she doesn’t like him because she sent one of the younger ones to shave him.  I tried to point out that how lucky he was that he could be shaved when he wanted it, that maybe the younger one needed experience and the they know how understanding Dad is so he would be good for her, maybe there were other jobs to be done that needed a more experienced hand, maybe just maybe it was her job but to no avail Dad is convinced it’s because the she didn’t like him. 

My experiences with my father have definitely had a major effect on my life and will continue to shape the way I express my gratitude.

I have always been appreciative when dealing people, a smile and a kind word when shopping, hello to the reception people when I pass them at work, a thank you to the cleaners when they are near me, more importantly for me – understanding that things are not always what they seem – walking a mile in an others shoes and treating others has I’d like to be treated.

Over the years I’ve found a couple of ways to show people how appreciative I am and my favourite is Valentine’s Day……. I’ve reclaimed it from the lovers of the world and changed it a bit, instead of Valentine’s Day being about lovers for me it is about telling people how special they are, why I am grateful they are in my life and how important they are to me.  I started this a few years ago when I sent cards to my special people telling them how much they mean to me.  Over the years it has changed a bit, I’ve started using technology and emails have replaced the cards but the message hasn’t changed.  I let people know why they are important and what I love about them.  Feedback is differing – some people get back to me straight away and respond in kind, some people just say “thanks” and some people don’t reply at all.  Not only am I letting people know how special they are but it is very good for me too and it makes me feel good to show my appreciation.

Random acts of kindness

I love the term “Random acts of kindness” for a number of reasons, yes it’s great to see the response when you give random acts of kindness, it is fantastic when people give you random acts of kindness and for me it brings back great memories. 

A couple of years ago we were on holidays with good friends Merman was 11 and Miss M was 12. Yes difficult ages – all those hormones and well two kids that are used to being only children.  I think you know where I am going with this. When the novelty of having someone to do things with wore off and a bit of niggle started to appear between the two kids I came up with an idea to get them working together.  A challenge if you will………

Points were to be earned and lost – challenges set and at the end of two days if a certain number of points were reached then it was “Cold Rock” time.  The number of points dictated the number of cold rock ingredients.  The challenges included “working together points”, “random act of kindness” points and “losing points for temper tantrums and bad behaviour”.

It was a lot of fun – during a bus ride the race was on to give up a seat because that was worth 5 points.  I’ve never seen the 2 of them so nice and polite to each other (yes another 5 points on offer). Going to a shopping centre and watching the 2 of them racing up the stairs, nearly knocking over the elderly gentleman as they raced to open the door for him.  When they opened the door and getting a lovely compliment from him – mouthing “5 points for random act of kindness”.  It was a lot of fun and something they both still talk about today.  Yes they did earn enough points for four ingredients each at cold rock.

The other side of being grateful

There is also another side of being grateful that for me is very important and one that at times I struggle with.  Struggling with gratitude I hear you say – what struggles could there possibly be.

Receiving a compliment – accepting thanks from others.   This sounds easy but really it isn’t, how many times have you been told you how nice you look and you say “no I don’t”.  By disagreeing with the compliment isn’t it putting down the compliment givers opinion?  I know this is over simplifying it and in most cases it’s not an insult it is actually our own insecurities but it is an area that I am trying to change in my responses. It is acknowledging the compliment because you never know if you don’t believe you deserve compliments than others may stop believing you do too.

 How many times are you thanked for something you do and you say “it’s nothing at all”. I am constantly reminding myself that when I am thanked for something I’ve done to acknowledge the thanks by saying “it’s my pleasure” or something to acknowledge the gratitude.  If somebody takes the time to acknowledge your actions you shouldn’t just fob it off as if it doesn’t matter, as if it is nothing at all because it not only belittles the action but the requirement for the action and the person giving the thanks.  When effort is made it needs to be acknowledged. A small action can mean so much to others and we need to remember how important our actions are.

I recently read an article about advice from mums that listed 41 bits of advice that mums have given over the years and whilst I agree with all of the advice there were a couple that really stood out for me:

·        Give compliments easily

·        Receive compliments gracefully

·        Courtesy and compassion cost nothing

The week ahead

This week I will concentrate on the following areas:

·        Identifying something I am grateful for each day

·        Giving LOML and Merman  a compliment or a word of thanks each day

·        Receiving any compliments I receive gracefully

52 Week Challenge - work 10

Let go and be vulnerable.

Once again Deb has hit the mark – before I start rambling about my fears I just want to say how much I am loving these challenges. Thank you so much Deb http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/simplify-your-life-week-11-kindness-gratitude-and-altruism/  I am so glad you faced your fear and started this fantastic challenge.  I hope you realise how much you have helped me.

What am I afraid of? Well to be honest and I think I can be honest with you even if this sounds corny. I am afraid of sounding silly, of saying something that doesn’t make sense or more to the point of what I feel or think not making sense. Let me explain:

I don’t always speak my mind as I don’t want to sound silly, it is actually more than that. I don’t often say how I really feel because I think that my opinion doesn’t matter. Who am I to know what I am talking about, yes it all comes down to confidence.  I am aware that I do it and I use a number of tools to help me through it.

Instead of being spontaneous I always try to think before I speak so  at times I appear wooden, or fake and I really don’t like that.  Don’t get me wrong sometimes it is important not to rush into something. See that’s what I am talking about –here we are at the crux of the issue - this is where my fear originates – I don’t want to be seen to do the wrong thing, or for people not to like me.  Really who cares if they don’t like me or what I say.  What is more important, being true to myself or people liking what I say?

Look out there is that negative nelly again.  Who says that people wouldn’t agree with me, that what I say is silly or if people wouldn’t like me. Look out folks I think this is a watershed moment here.  This is fairly important so I might just repeat it.

Who says that people wouldn’t agree with me, that what I say is silly or if people wouldn’t like me.

Maybe I need a bit of self talk here – being true to myself doesn’t mean I don’t make sense.

While it is important to be respected at work maybe I would earn more respect if I was true to myself and not just a go along/agreeing/ and being a smiling ninny. Of course its about timing and places and saying things that are relevant but I need to speak my mind a bit more – not aggressive but assertive.

There is a bit of food for thought isn’t there.

I am a happy person and I like to have fun, I like to make people smile (although I don’t like it when they laugh at me) and for me this is a very fine line. This is another fear I have – at times I am too soppy and emotional. I would often like to say more than I do, to show more feelings and to show more kindness but I hang back not wanting to be too overwhelming or give too much of myself.  Maybe its more about loving myself more than anything else, thinking that I am worthy to have friends. OOPS  that was a bit deep.  Oh well its out there now I can’t take it back.

I have some other fears but I think this is the major one and when I conquer this one it will lead to other successes actually when this is conquered the others will just fade away.

Empty vessels make the most sound is a saying that I often say to myself and one that I am going to lose from myself talk vocabulary actually I am going to swap it with “Being true to myself I will say what I think”.

I will work on my confidence, I will address this by small steps.  If I don’t agree I will say so. Actually I already started – without going into too many details I stood up for myself at work when a comment was made that I didn’t agree with and that I found offensive.  It was good and instead of a few bad feelings that could have festered the situation was explained and sorted then and there on the spot.

Baby steps I know but a very important first step.

There is so much we can learn from children, I love the confidence children have, no fear and an amazing amount of self belief that they can do anything.  It is very sad that as parents our own fears that hold them back.   I love listening to my son when tells me how great he is and how he can do this and that. He has no silly hangups that stops him getting out there and doing the things he likes. That is something else I will do I will take a leaf out of his book and start believing that I am good enough, that I am worthy and I can do it.

52 Week Challenge - Week 9

Who’s race are you running?

It is almost as if Deb http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/simplify-your-life-week-ten-how-to-face-your-fears/#more-3235 has looked into her crystal ball and come up with a challenge that is tailored specifically to me and what is happening in my life especially the areas I am trying to improve.

This week’s challenge is about going easier on yourself and about self reflection.  Seeing if there is anything in your life where changing your expectations / standards / approach could change your life.

For me this is about doing things at my own pace, being my own person, not trying to live my life by other’s standards and about being kind to myself. Something that I’d like to do more of but old habits die hard and at times I struggle. This is one of the things that I am hoping to achieve through this challenge.

I have spent many years doing many things because it will look good, because it is what people expect of me, because other people do it, because I don’t want to cause waves. Pushing myself and trying to do it all – perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, neighbor, coach, manager (the list goes on – except I didn’t ever push myself to be the perfect housekeeper).

 Of course I had fun along the way but if I am really honest I will admit I’ve done a lot of things because other people want me to, please don’t get me wrong I believe it is important to get along with people and when we live in a community it is all about give and take.

 For a long time I was doing all the giving because I thought it was the only way but I know now it isn’t and it is actually not what people want. It is important to have a say, to stand up for what we believe in, to allow others to give so we can take.  In any community we all like to be generous with our possessions, time, words, feelings and ourselves so it is important that we allow others to give as well as take.

One of the greatest gifts you can give is allowing people to feel good about themselves by allowing them to feel the joy of giving.

It’s a funny thing I often wonder why we aren’t as kind to ourselves as we are to others.

I am much more forgiving of others than I am of myself. This an area I am working on too and over the past few years my self talk has changed the way I am and yes I am being kinder to myself.  I am a work in progress and progressing I am.

Who’s race am I running?  This is a great question and one I’ve been pondering for most of the week.  I’d love to say I am running my own race – if that was true I wouldn’t feel guilty, be upset with others or get annoyed.  So who’s race am I running – I could name names but I think it is bigger than one person. I think it is Society as a whole.  I don’t mean this to be as harsh as it sounds and I know I am not expressing what I am trying to.   I think we run with others, heading in the same direction with the same goal - sharing the race. Maybe this is too idealistic and my typical “church in the middle” attitude, wanting the best of everything.

Maybe I am running my own race and sometimes I am the winner but other times I am just piped at the post and every so often I bring up the rear and come last. For me the most important thing is not where I come in the race but that I am on the path that is true to myself and that I don’t go off track while keeping my values, goals and visions on track.

I’ve been thinking about a mantra to remind me to keep on track and one that keeps coming to mind is “treat yourself as you would others”.  I am much more forgiving of others and one of the things I am going to do is be more forgiving of myself.

On a totally unrelated matter –the following is a quote from a movie I’m watching “blogging isn’t journalism it is graffiti with punctuation “.  Never thought of myself as a graffiti artist before but well if the spray can fits………..

Have a great week everyone.